I was recently forwarded a landmark study conducted at UCLA about the magic of friendships among women and the amazing ability these friendships have on our ability to deal with stress.  While most studies on stress have focused on males, a handful of scientists through observation decided that women’s relationship with stress and how to deal with it is far different from that of the typical male – which led them into an in-depth study focused on women.  This study purports that women respond to stress with brain chemicals that propel us to make and/or maintain relationships with other women.  It’s a study that turns decades of stress related research upside down.

“Until this study was published, scientists generally believed that when people experience stress, they trigger a hormonal cascade that revs the body to either stand and fight or flee as fast as possible,” explains Laura Cousino Klein, Ph.D., now an Assistant Professor of Bio-behavioral Health at Penn State University and one of the study’s authors.  In women, the hormone oxytocin is released as part of the normal reaction to stress, which buffers the “fight or flight” response and instead encourages women to seek out other women or exert a greater focus on their children.  When these actions are undertaken, more oxytocin is released, which counters stress and produces a calming effect.

Interestingly enough, this same calming response does not occur in men.  As Dr. Klein says “testosterone, which men produce in high levels when they’re under stress, seems to reduce the effects of oxytocin.  Estrogen seems to enhance it.”  The discovery that women respond differently to stress started by a simple observation:  a woman under stress tends to seek out others, go have a cup of coffee, and discuss the problem.  Men, on the other hand, tend to go off on their own, and hole up behind a closed door.

Study after study shows that social ties reduce our risk of disease by lowering blood pressure, heart disease and cholesterol.  ”There’s no doubt,” says Dr. Klein, “that friends are helping us live.”  A well known Nurse’s Health Study from Harvard Medical School found that the more friends a woman had, the less likely she was to develop physical impairments as they aged, and the more likely they were to be living a joyful life.  The results were so significant in fact that the researchers concluded that not having close friends was as detrimental to your health as smoking or carrying extra weight.

Our primary watch-out?  When our lives seem crazy, when we’re busy with life, work and tending to our families, it’s our friendships that get put on the back burner.  As one researcher states:  ”That’s really a mistake because women are such a source of strength to each other.  We nurture one another.  And we need to have unpressured space in which we can do the special kind of talk that women do when they’re with other women.  It’s a very healing experience.”

So if anything, be cognizant of the power of our dear friendships with other women, and continue to find the time and space to connect with those who are dear to you.  It’s a proven life saver!

I received this email the other day about the differences between how we handle situations in high school today vs. the 1950’s, and found it thought provoking. Many of the comparisons ring quite true in my mind – although some are exaggerated for effect. It makes me wonder what the true cornerstones of this societal shift have been over the years – that have made us arrive at such a different style of parenting and administering to our kids.  It’s hard to imagine that as a whole, kids are that significantly different now vs. then, although I do agree that the elements that our kids are exposed to (via music, reality television and internet) puts them in a much different domain than kids of the fifties and sixties.

I think this certainly plays into the now established norms of helicoptering parenting as well.  Any ideas on what has driven this major societal shift?

HIGH SCHOOL — 1959 vs. 2009

Scenario  1:
Jack  goes quail hunting before school and then pulls into the school  parking lot with his shotgun in his truck’s gun rack.
1959  - Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jack’s shotgun, goes to his car and gets his shotgun to show Jack.
2009  - School  goes into lock down, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors called in for traumatized students and teachers.



Scenario  2:
Johnny and Mark get into a fist fight after school.
1959  - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.
2009  - Police called and SWAT team arrives — they arrest both Johnny and Mark. They are both charged with assault and both expelled even though Johnny started it.



Scenario  3:
Jeffrey will not be still in class, he disrupts other students.
1959  - Jeffrey sent to the Principal’s office and given a good paddling by the  Principal. He then returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again..
2009  - Jeffrey is given huge doses of Ritalin. He becomes a zombie. He is then tested for ADD. The school gets extra money from the state because Jeffrey has a disability.

Scenario  4:
Billy breaks a window in his neighbor’s car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.
1959  - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college and becomes a successful businessman.
2009  - Billy’s dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy is removed to foster care and joins a gang. The state psychologist is told by Billy’s sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison.  Billy’s mom has an affair with the psychologist.



Scenario  5:
Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.
1959 - Mark  shares his aspirin with the Principal out on the smoking  dock.
2009 - The police are called and Mark is expelled from school for drug violations. His car is then searched for drugs and weapons.


Scenario  6: Pedro fails high school English.
1959 - Pedro  goes to summer school, passes English and goes to  college.
2009 - Pedro’s cause is taken up by state. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist ACLU files class action lawsuit against the state school system and Pedro’s English teacher.  English is then banned from  core curriculum. Pedro is given his diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak  English..

Scenario  7:
Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from the Fourth of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle and blows up a red ant bed..
1959  - Ants die.
2009 - ATF, Homeland Security and the FBI are all called. Johnny is charged with domestic terrorism. The FBI investigates his parents  – and all siblings are removed from their home and all computers are confiscated. Johnny’s dad is placed on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.

Scenario  8:
Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary hugs him to comfort  him.
1959  - In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing..
2009  - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in State Prison.  Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy.

Seasons Greetings! Based on my quick temper this past weekend, I know holiday stress must be catching up with me.  I told my husband a couple of weeks ago that I had no desire to do any Christmas shopping this year.  And after coming downstairs last night after spending 1.5 hours putting the boys to bed, I barked out at the other half of my family because they had the audacity to sit on the couch and watch TV with big boxes of yet to be hung Christmas ornaments and decorations sitting in front of them. “Can’t you at least decorate while you watch TV?” I asked, as I stomped over to the boxes and started ripping them open. My husband replied, “I thought we’d let Jack and Sam do the rest.”  I replied, “I just want to get it done.”  And his response:  ”Well, don’t do it if you don’t enjoy it.”  And I replied, “Well I don’t enjoy it.”  Growl.

Take a deep breath.  I actually do enjoy decorating the tree, but for whatever reason I feel the huge tidal wave of holiday preparations looming over my head more than ever this year.  This HUGE new list of things to do, when I’m barely getting through my normal daily life “to do list.”

There’s that perfect image that I’m sure many of us have in our heads of how the tree gets decorated.  You get up early, go out in the snow and cut down your tree.  Just before you left the house, that last batch of Christmas cookies came out of the oven.  After hauling the tree back home, the house still smells of cinnamon and chocolate chips, the fire is roaring, the Christmas carols are piping through the stereo (I mean ipod), frothy mugs of hot chocolate are in abundance, and  everyone in the family is laughing and helping (not just the ones under 6 – which of course causes another layer of stress).

If the rising of your Christmas tree was close to this image, please share, and I applaud you all the extra effort that went into making it so.

OK. Enough of the unloading.  I feel better.  Any wonderful tips from you wise women?!

As Elaine and I were sitting on the beach in Rhode Island Labor Day weekend, Elaine absorbed in a magazine, myself trying to keep up with the antics of the little guys, Elaine stopped and pointed.  Her finger rested on an ad in More Magazine, which was promoting their 3rd annual “Reinvention Convention” taking place in New York City on October 5th.

Elaine and I attended the first Reinvention Convention two years ago – not unsimilar to this Labor Day weekend, we were sitting on the beach and she noticed this ad, and we decided right then and there that we would go.

We both immensely enjoyed it.  It was a day of meeting interesting women, sharing stories, talking about careers (changing, starting, and or jumpstarting), finances, health, beauty and fashion.  This year’s key note speaker is former First Lady Laura Bush.  Other notables include:  Jean Chatzkey, Financial Editor, Dr. Pam Peeke, author of Body for Life for Women, Dr. Gail Saltz (Psychiatrist and Today Contributor), and Mica Brzezinski from Morning Joe, to name a few.  Both Elaine and I were refreshed from spending a day away from our normal routine, which gave us new perspectives, got the wheels in our head cranking in a little bit of a different way, and bottomline, inspired us.  After leaving this conference, Elaine and I contacted each other the next day … and our Wise Women idea was born.

So for any of you that are in the New York area, or not so far away, you should consider attending.  You never know when the inspiration might hit to take you in a new direction.

Shortly before 9 pm last night, I felt my heart thumping, skin tingling and my throat swallowing hard. Channeling Jimmy Stewart in “Mr. Smith Goes to Washington,*” President Obama was finishing up his speech on healthcare reform and challenged his legislative audience to reject partisan bickering and unite in action:

“We did not come to fear the future.  We came here to shape it.  I still believe we can act even when it’s hard.  I still believe — I still believe that we can act when it’s hard.  I still believe we can replace acrimony with civility, and gridlock with progress.  I still believe we can do great things, and that here and now we will meet history’s test.**“

At this point, I looked over at Wise Hubby and said, “THIS is a great speech!” And, Wise Hubby, usually a bit ambivalent about Obama’s rhetoric, agreed.

Today’s post-mortem analysis of the speech focuses largely on the speech’s passion and idealism. There is also great discussion about Republican’s jaw-dropping incivility during the president’s remarks. (I cringed at the oubursts, yet chuckled at how Speaker Nancy Pelosi’s head kept swiveling back and forth in shock.)

While such observations may ignite invigorating debate, they should not be allowed to obscure the substance of healthcare reform. For legislation to be enacted, we must remember the reason behind the rhetoric – the millions of people who suffer due to a broken healthcare system – and persevere during the pain-staking process of working out the details.

Otherwise, all last night was a passionate jolt of energy for both sides of the aisle. If we don’t move forward, we risk falling into a soul-less black hole, as President Obama eloquently described:

And they [our predecessors] knew that when any government measure, no matter how carefully crafted or beneficial, is subject to scorn; when any efforts to help people in need are attacked as un-American; when facts and reason are thrown overboard and only timidity passes for wisdom, and we can no longer even engage in a civil conversation with each other over the things that truly matter — that at that point we don’t merely lose our capacity to solve big challenges.  We lose something essential about ourselves.

This may sound corny – President Obama’s words make me want to be a better American.

*Credit for this apt analogy belongs to Tom Shales in today’s Washington Post.

** Read the full text of the President’s healthcare remarks.

Last night I had the opportunity to meet Herb and Dorothy Vogel, two giants in the world of modern art, despite their less than 5 foot stature. Their story has been documented in a new film appropriately titled Herb & Dorothy - which premiered last night at a local theater in my town (The Avon in Stamford) – followed by Q & A with Herb, Dorothy and the film director.

Honestly, I had never heard of them until 24 hours ago, when I happened to come across a promotional piece on this debut, and thought it might be worth a view.  Their story is impressive – Herb is a retired New York City postal worker who sorted mail by night, slept in the morning and studied art and took drawing/painting classes in the afternoon.  Dorothy was a librarian in Brooklyn Heights.  They spent most of their spare time frequenting galleries, going to art openings and cultivating relationships with artists.  They have spent their whole married lives in a one bedroom rent controlled apartment, living entirely on Dorothy’s salary, and spending Herb’s salary on art.  Their only criterion for buying – they had to be able to afford it, and it had to fit in their apartment.

So started their passion with collecting contemporary art – a passion that established close relationships with the artists over the years.  Over the past three decades they have been renowned figures in the art community, and were even recently featured alongside the Rockefellers, Rothschilds and Gettys in a new book called  Great Collectors of our Time by James Stourton.

Their overall collection is comprised of 4,000 pieces, and in 1992 when they decided to donate their then 2,500 piece collection to the National Gallery of Art in Washington DC, it took three months and 5 full moving size trucks to remove the collection from their tiny apartment.  What you see in this picture – Herb and Dorothy sitting at a small table – was virtually the only furniture in their apartment besides their bed – which over the years rose higher and higher as more art was placed underneath it.

Their collection is obviously priceless – worth millions – but they did not want or expect any compensation for their collection.  Their needs are obviously minimal; their only vice – an insanely intense art addiction.

If you get a chance to see this, I recommend it.  It truly is a one of a kind story.

So the end of this weekend officially marks the end of my family’s weekly winter sojourns to Vermont. Easter in VT was a cold, blustery, partly sunny partly snowy day.  Despite the chilly temperatures, Jack (6) and Sam (4) charged out the door in their footie pajamas when they noticed an egg in the front yard – dashing around, sloshing through wet soggy spring earth, water spraying up around their legs.  But, of course, it was all worth it.  

While I’m ready to be home on weekends, it was with a bit of nostalgia and sadness that we drove away from Vermont.  But now that I’m back to reality, with loads of laundry, and an unbelievable amount of things to find homes for here, I look at the piles that have accumulated over the winter… and realize that I have to get organized. Tax day 3 days away?  Unfortunately, I think we’re filing an extension (again).  

But while I know these piles need to be addressed, my eyes are on the next thing – planning the spring garden.  I’m happy to report that my garlic is coming up (which I wrote about and planted last fall) – and am just trying to figure out the rest.  I have visions of a much more ambitious vegetable garden than I had last year – but of course nothing is easy.  I contemplate the removal of a few trees to create more steady sunshine in the back, and then contemplate how big and sturdy the garden fortress needs to be to keep the deer out.  Ideally I’d like to create a huge garden cage, but of course that probably requires a blueprint….

Maybe I should just stick to patio tomatoes….and get through some of those piles…:)

A compliment a day keeps the therapist away.

I have no idea if that statement is actually true — whether compliments correlate to mental health — but it SHOULD be true, don’t you think? The occasional kind word does wonders for my confidence; compliments that are unexpected, first-time praises and/or flattering remarks about my shrinking waist line earn extra brownie points. (Alas, too many brownies may have led to too few compliments in that last category of late.)

This contemplation about compliments was inspired by the Chicago Tribune article Purdue ‘Compliment Guys’ Can’t Give Enough of a Good Thing. Two college dudes in Indiana hang out on campus for two hours each week doling out hundreds of free compliments to passersby. Nice glasses. Great smile. Cool backpack. Their fellow students appreciate and look forward to the doses of verbal sunshine these guys offer each week.

I don’t think those compliments would do anything for me, however. I much prefer the random and spontaneous admiring comment. Like when my daughter came up to me at Kohl’s this weekend as I was looking for a new (translation = bigger) pair of jeans and said, “I’m so glad you’re my mother.”

Unaware that I had done anything spectacular, I asked why. Caitlin went on to explain that, while in the dressing room, she overheard another mother haranguing her daughter about the teen’s excess “rolls” and unflattering choice of outfits. I was saddened to hear about that exchange (talk about needing a therapist), but heartened by Caitlin’s words of gratitude.

What type of compliments have you experienced lately? Have they been a boost to the old ego? Or, have you suffered any of those back-handed compliments?

My foray into Facebook began with meager intentions. I signed up in 2007 wanting to keep tabs on my teen’s presence on the online social networking site. I’d venture on to her and her friend’s Facebook pages periodically, make a mental note of what I saw, and sign-off.

I maintained my stealth Facebook presence for 18 months.

Last fall, I celebrated a birthday (mine!) over lunch with friends Karen and Janeen and listened to Janeen’s excitement about reconnecting with old friends and classmates via Facebook. Her enthusiasm was contagious, so by the end of that weekend, I had beefed up my profile and sent out “Will you be my friend?” invitations to dozens of people in my email address book.

Thirteen “new” friends later, I still didn’t get it, and my Facebook remained dormant.

This past weekend, we celebrated another birthday lunch (Janeen’s!), and now Karen was also signing Facebook’s praises, although warning of its time-wasting potential, as well. I went home and asked my daughter to give me a quick tutorial, which she graciously provided with a minimum of sighing and eye-rolling at her mother’s Facebook incompetence. I wrote on a few people’s walls and checked out which high school and college classmates had Facebook pages (quite a few!).

Now, I’m like The Candidate’s Robert Redford in the film’s closing scene: “What do we do now?”

What’s been the experience of other Wise Women on Facebook? I see how Facebook could add an interesting, new twist in my lif, so I am intrigued …

My last attempt to creatively give thanks on Thanksgiving took place almost 10 years ago. I had everyone in the family (include visiting in-laws) write down something they were thankful for; I then baked those slips of paper into Pillsbury crescent rolls. The Thanksgiving-version of fortune cookies.

As we sat down at dinner, we each grabbed a roll, broke it open, and read out loud what appeared on the paper. Or, tried to read. Unfortunately, I gave people a red-felt tip pen to express their sentiments, and, during the course of baking, the ink smeared and made most of the words illegible. It still makes me laugh to remember how people struggled to decipher the handwriting. We finally gave up and recounted what we wrote from memory.

Suffice to say, I never tried anything like that again. I’ve come to accept that, when it comes to crafty/creative stuff, I’m great at ideas, abysmal at execution. I’ve learned that the best way for me to express my gratitude is to simply say “Thank you.” So, here goes …

In addition to being Thanksgiving, this Thursday marks the 6-month anniversary of Anne and I taking this blog “public” and inviting you to share in our regular online coffee chat. As I reflect over the last six months, I realize that I really am thankful to have this group of women (and men) in my life. I love the fact that the blog is a way to stay connected to old friends and make new ones. I appreciate the wise, witty and, yes, creative, things people have to share. I’m grateful to the handful of people who regularly leave comments. But, I also love knowing there are another 50-60 of you who just drop by to get your “Wise Women” fix.

I am thankful that this blog is a thread that connects me to each and every one of you. On behalf of Anne and myself, thank you for being part of our Wise Women community!