I was recently forwarded a landmark study conducted at UCLA about the magic of friendships among women and the amazing ability these friendships have on our ability to deal with stress.  While most studies on stress have focused on males, a handful of scientists through observation decided that women’s relationship with stress and how to deal with it is far different from that of the typical male – which led them into an in-depth study focused on women.  This study purports that women respond to stress with brain chemicals that propel us to make and/or maintain relationships with other women.  It’s a study that turns decades of stress related research upside down.

“Until this study was published, scientists generally believed that when people experience stress, they trigger a hormonal cascade that revs the body to either stand and fight or flee as fast as possible,” explains Laura Cousino Klein, Ph.D., now an Assistant Professor of Bio-behavioral Health at Penn State University and one of the study’s authors.  In women, the hormone oxytocin is released as part of the normal reaction to stress, which buffers the “fight or flight” response and instead encourages women to seek out other women or exert a greater focus on their children.  When these actions are undertaken, more oxytocin is released, which counters stress and produces a calming effect.

Interestingly enough, this same calming response does not occur in men.  As Dr. Klein says “testosterone, which men produce in high levels when they’re under stress, seems to reduce the effects of oxytocin.  Estrogen seems to enhance it.”  The discovery that women respond differently to stress started by a simple observation:  a woman under stress tends to seek out others, go have a cup of coffee, and discuss the problem.  Men, on the other hand, tend to go off on their own, and hole up behind a closed door.

Study after study shows that social ties reduce our risk of disease by lowering blood pressure, heart disease and cholesterol.  ”There’s no doubt,” says Dr. Klein, “that friends are helping us live.”  A well known Nurse’s Health Study from Harvard Medical School found that the more friends a woman had, the less likely she was to develop physical impairments as they aged, and the more likely they were to be living a joyful life.  The results were so significant in fact that the researchers concluded that not having close friends was as detrimental to your health as smoking or carrying extra weight.

Our primary watch-out?  When our lives seem crazy, when we’re busy with life, work and tending to our families, it’s our friendships that get put on the back burner.  As one researcher states:  ”That’s really a mistake because women are such a source of strength to each other.  We nurture one another.  And we need to have unpressured space in which we can do the special kind of talk that women do when they’re with other women.  It’s a very healing experience.”

So if anything, be cognizant of the power of our dear friendships with other women, and continue to find the time and space to connect with those who are dear to you.  It’s a proven life saver!

It’s the forties curse.  I remember when I had just turned 40, a slightly older friend told me that I would not pass through this decade without the probable loss of a parent.  An eerie predicition, and I am sad to say, my wonderful mother passed away unexpectedly on January 28th.  While her health and ability to enjoy the simple pleasures in life were on the decline, her voice was still strong and cheerful on the other end of the phone line.  How awful to lose someone so dear, and to suppress the pain, I find myself rationalizing her passing:

• She lived a full 75 years – touching and shaping many lives, full of smiles and wonderful experiences
• Despite declining health, she had no pain and was quickly taken away from us in a peaceful passing; we were truly lucky to not witness suffering or the loss of independence that a nursing home would have subjected her to down the road
• I feel grateful that she celebrated momentous milestones in her life – the marriage to a wonderful, “always fun around the corner” type husband, the birth of two daughters and six grandchildren, and the celebration of 50 years of marriage.

While she will be sorely missed, I am so grateful she lived a long, meaningful and giving life. Her posititive and loving imprint is on all of us that she knew.  In reflection, as a mother, it makes you think about what it is that your children will remember about you – what are the most meaningful imprints you can impart?

I find the imprints of the fabric my mother wove for me are comprised of many of the small things in life – whether it is the late night snacks of anchovies on butter and saltine crackers (yes, weird I know), her bravery to take teenage girls abroad on extended travel (I would never have the guts to do so), her ability to make everything so nice with her special little touches (even down to the way she folded the bath towels), making me steak and egg breakfasts on the days of my swim meets, the monthly package of newspaper clippings from our hometown paper that she sent my sister and I to keep us informed of local news and happenings after we left home, her meticulous way of writing thank you notes, mentioning every gift, how much she liked it, and how she was using it.

These memories are just the tip of the iceberg of the many small things that you can almost take for granted when they are happening, but upon reflection you realize that it’s the small things that make the big lasting imprint and tell the greatest story of love and caring.

Here’s to Nancy Garfield Rice – one truly fantastic lady.

When I was young, our family opened up our Christmas presents in two phases. My parents would humor us by allowing us to open a gift or two before they had their first cup of coffee, we’d take a break to eat, and then resume the present-opening.

I remember the year I had my first lesson in “Thou shall not covet.” I was an early teen and my brother (18 months younger) opened up a present that turned out to be something I desperately wanted: a clock radio. (Equate my yearning with pining after an IPod in today’s world.) The only problem it was HIS present and HIS clock radio. I remember blinking back sudden tears of disappointment as we moved (I trudged, he danced) into the kitchen for breakfast.

After downing the Christmas breakfast casserole, we returned to the remaining pile under the tree. Since it was my turn to open, I was handed a present. Given my funk, I did not notice it was was similar in look and size as a previous present. To this day I recall how my heart leaped when, after ripping off the wrapping, I saw that I, too, had received a clock radio, the identical model

I loved that clock radio for many first years. It was the first time I had the ability to listen to music into my room, a sure sign that I was older. My girlfriend and I used to listen to it as we traded stories about the latest teen-world drama, also keeping an ear out for the radio contest on our favorite station. We’d hear the special, call-in song, dash into a nearby room and dial the 1-800 number frantically trying to be the 20th caller to win the free concert tickets or other prizes. (Because, of course, teens didn’t have phones in our bedrooms in those days.)

Clearly, that was a “home run gift” when, 30+ years later, I can still wax eloquently on about my beloved clock radio.

When have you hit a home run with a gift you’ve given or received?

At a business lunch this week, I happened to end up sitting next to the executive director of the professional association to which I belong. Within minutes of exchanging names and affiliations, we found ourselves comparing notes on the challenges of caregiving (she cared for her mother with Alzheimer’s; I’m in a new role helping my mother-in-law who’s now staying with us).

I’ve noticed this dynamic before in my professional interactions. When meeting a female business associate for the first time, I quickly zero in and talk about a personal fact we have in common (kids, hobby, vacation destination). If I feel connected and comfortable during this sharing/networking time, the person automatically (and unconsciously) earns the “Elaine Seal of Approval.” I am much more likely to seek out and respond to this person down the road when our professional interests overlap.

I’ve engaged in this get-to-know-you dance with a few male associates over the years, but only a handful. Probably explains why the number of women outnumber men on my contact list by 10:1.

A recent article forwarded by Wise Woman Shane validated this experience for me. In Understanding How Women Network: Why Women Make Small Talk and Men Shoot Straight, Meghan Casserly writes:

In an effort to personalize professional networking, women normally try to create connections or friendships. “Before we think, ‘What can this person do for me,’ we ask, ‘What can I do for her in order to get what I need.’” In many cases this give-and-then-take style of networking builds long-lasting relationships.

The article goes on to describe the benefits/downsides of this type of networking, as well as how to best network with men (e.g., “make boy small talk, not girl talk”).

What’s networking look like for you? And can someone please tell me what constitutes “boy” small talk?

My father-in-law (aka “Wise Papa”) died unexpectedly this week.

He was a good man, the quiet and steady presence within a family of loud chatterboxes from New York.

Yet, Papa would reveal a different side of himself during skit night at family reunions when he took to the stage and performed his limited (very!) repertoire of “impersonations.” He’d stand up and growl “Here’s looking at you, kid” a la Humphrey Bogart. But, it was his impersonation of a light bulb – standing in all seriousness, pulling an imaginary chain and then “lighting up” – that would cause the crowd to howl with laughter. To me, Papa’s uncharacteristic willingness to seize the lime light and share his inner silliness were highlights of the reunion.

Wise Papa, you are missed. Rest in peace.

* We volunteered to share the cost, and they took us up on our offer.

P.S. Thanks, everybody, for your support during this drama dialogue.

P.P.S. The 150-foot tree doesn’t look as daunting in this picture, but, trust me – it was huge!

Singer Taylor Swift’s song “Love Story” evokes old-fashioned notions of sweet, romantic love. However, a modern love story can be just as endearing, if not quite as romantic – in the traditional sense.

My childhood friend was married over the weekend. After46 years of kissing frogs, she finally found her prince. This is their “Love Story,” as shared on their wedding web site.

Match.com said they’re compatible.

They email (OK, she emails first).

They call (OK, she calls first).

They meet at a “safe” public place for dinner – hey, she’s not stupid!

4 months later, pipes burst at her condo, and he offers her a place to stay “just while hers is fixed.”

Ratty, white towels are replaced with fluffy, colorful, towels.

Wall-mounted bikes become clothes-drying racks.

The bachelor pad eventually disappears.

To seal the deal, she gives him a trip to see Dave Matthews Band at The Gorge in Washington state for his birthday.

They marry, September 26, 2009.

Elaine’s post-nuptial note: Their wedding vows consisted of lyrics from Dave Matthews Band and the wise-cracking groom choked up with emotion as he recited the words to his beautiful bride. Sigh. It was lovely.

Nana & Papa, Happy 50th, 2007

Below is Wise Daughter Caitlin’s recent submission for English class. It’s offered up in honor of all friends and family who must deal with chronic illness/pain.

In the early morning hours, my Nana used to putter around her kitchen, filling her coffee cup and perusing the newspaper. I would slip into the room, to my chair next to her, and we’d journey through the past over a bowl of Apple Jacks. My father and his siblings would transform from respectable adults to characters in her memories she shared, causing all sorts of mayhem in their childhood. Now, she sits in her condo, pain contorting her features. But the weaver of such elaborate tales is still there. I know she is.

That was then (2007).

This is now (2009).

Siblings are the people we practice on, the people who teach us about fairness and cooperation and kindness and caring – quite often the hard way.  ~Pamela Dugdale

My youngest brother turns 40 today, and we have certainly taught one another many things over the years – quite often the hard way.

After squeaking through high school, my brother worked for several years and eventually put himself through college. He studied and passed the CPA exam, a remarkable feat to his math-phobic sister. Over the years, his life has experienced several twists, turns, and even detours. Yet, he always manages to find his way back to center (sometimes more, sometimes less). While we live thousands of miles apart, it is a joy to watch the man and father he’s become.

Sibling relationships – and 80 percent of Americans have at least one – outlast marriages, survive the death of parents, resurface after quarrels that would sink any friendship. They flourish in a thousand incarnations of closeness and distance, warmth, loyalty and distrust. ~Erica E. Goode

What thoughts/observations can you share about your Wise Siblings?

P.S. Happy 40th Birthday, Rob!

They say a picture is worth a 1,000 words. In this case, a picture can be equated to a single letter – a scarlet letter “A.”

You may have heard about this cheating husband in the news last week. In a desperate attempt to show his remorse, he agreed to his wife’s demand that he stand in a busy thoroughfare in Northern Virginia with this home-made sign hanging from his neck. The DJ’s and local media had a field day. The wife’s desire to humiliate her wayward husband ended up earning him his 15 minutes (and them some) of national fame.

(Note to self: Scratch off “public humiliation during rush hour” from list of “Revenge Fantasies for Cheating Spouse.”)

In all seriousness, if you’ve ever been in a committed partnership, you’ve wondered what you would do if your partner was cheating. Data suggest that 25% of men and 10-15% of women will have sex with someone else other than their spouse during their marriage.

While I doubt that this wife achieved vindication or real satisfaction from this stunt, part of me was glad to see her dumping her steaming pile of anger at her husband’s door … let him clean it up! So much better than turning the pain and anger inward and being haunted by questions and self-doubt.

What’s the reaction of other Wise Women to this story?