At a business lunch this week, I happened to end up sitting next to the executive director of the professional association to which I belong. Within minutes of exchanging names and affiliations, we found ourselves comparing notes on the challenges of caregiving (she cared for her mother with Alzheimer’s; I’m in a new role helping my mother-in-law who’s now staying with us).
I’ve noticed this dynamic before in my professional interactions. When meeting a female business associate for the first time, I quickly zero in and talk about a personal fact we have in common (kids, hobby, vacation destination). If I feel connected and comfortable during this sharing/networking time, the person automatically (and unconsciously) earns the “Elaine Seal of Approval.” I am much more likely to seek out and respond to this person down the road when our professional interests overlap.
I’ve engaged in this get-to-know-you dance with a few male associates over the years, but only a handful. Probably explains why the number of women outnumber men on my contact list by 10:1.
A recent article forwarded by Wise Woman Shane validated this experience for me. In Understanding How Women Network: Why Women Make Small Talk and Men Shoot Straight, Meghan Casserly writes:
In an effort to personalize professional networking, women normally try to create connections or friendships. “Before we think, ‘What can this person do for me,’ we ask, ‘What can I do for her in order to get what I need.’” In many cases this give-and-then-take style of networking builds long-lasting relationships.
The article goes on to describe the benefits/downsides of this type of networking, as well as how to best network with men (e.g., “make boy small talk, not girl talk”).
What’s networking look like for you? And can someone please tell me what constitutes “boy” small talk?
10-22-2009 07:30:39
Elaine, this is SO true in my business circles too. In fact, at a writers conference recently, I ran into several editors and colleagues who immediately asked about my family. My mom is also showing signs of dementia, and since I’ve written about this lately, every woman who knew me asked about my mother first, then, “how’s the writing going?” I love that about women. We truly care — and while business and work are very important to us, we know what really matters when the sun goes down.
10-22-2009 08:25:53
One of my best professors at Georgetown was Deborah Tannen for Linguistics. Her course on Cross Cultural Communication was amazing. She published a best seller in 1990 “You Just Don’t Understand”. It is an easy read and incredibly insightful, and focuses on the cross cultural differences between men and women’s speech. It is still as relevant today as it was then — wise hubby recently used some of her material in a talk to a women’s networking group in his company and got mega credit. Some chapter titles give some good preview: “Rapport-talk and Report-talk”; “Lecturing and Listening”; “Women and Men Talking at Cross Purposes”.
But to answer your question Elaine, I’d say a good example of “boy” small talk is “my dad’s bigger than yours”, “my dog’s bigger than yours”, etc, etc, etc! The conversation just evolves as the boys do — company, car, etc!
10-22-2009 15:22:40
Great topic! I’m in a house full of males, so I asked two of my boys how they make small talk with other guys. They said they usually don’t talk about personal stuff. It’s other stuff, like TV shows, or sports, or music bands. They don’t usually talk about their family or personal stuff or how their day is going. Instead, they’ll tend to joke around. They bond by laughing together.
10-22-2009 20:21:44
This is an interesting topic. It does seem like conversations with other women quickly delve into the personal. I think, in general, women empathize easily with others. It makes me wonder if that holds us back in the business world, even if it might be good for forming relationships for the long term. I read Tannen’s book several years ago and found it enlightening.