Wise Women, how do you tell someone you love that he is driving you crazy?
Last week’s Wall Street Journal ran a story about the interpersonal stress that couples experience when one (or both) of the partners loses a job. Comparing it to a sneak preview of retirement life, the article You Drive Me Crazy: What Layoffs Do To A Marriage spotlights the challenge of couples living in uncertain limbo and/or spending way too much time together.
The article got me to thinking about other tense times (unrelated to layoffs) in a relationship. What about those times when you want to cover your ears and yell at your partner, “Stop talking! I could not care less about whatever you’re talking about!!!”?
Now, “good” and “supportive” partners aren’t supposed to throw tantrums or be so utterly lacking in empathy, are we?
How do others navigate this relationship minefield? While I relied on the WSJ article as the jumping off point for this post, the reality is that one of you (at least!) is facing this dilemma and asked for guidance on what to say without rupturing the relationship.
Another way to think about this: How would we want to be told to, “I love you … and you’re driving me crazy!”?
8-18-2009 09:31:31
interesting issue. first of all your thought-provoking query of how to tell beloved that he/she is driving you crazy refers to them talking. but there could be other crazy-makers and it is good to separate them.
however, my thought would be to take the high (escape) route and put it on oneself. “honey, i am really not feeling like talkingt right now” rather than “if i have to listen to one more rant on the same subject i may commit a deed leading to my incarceratiion and then who would look after the kids (or fido or your mom?)
another tack might be to have a private area or space you can retreat to (a motivating thought to decorate your bathroom attractively) or to leave–on foot, in the car, on the bike whatever pleading a need for space, an errand or going to a friend’s house to practice upward facing animal yoga poses.
or at last resort refer to what the loved (?) one is saying and respond by saying ” i hear you and this is too important to discuss when i am too distracted to listen.” that way you recognize it is important and that you wish to give it proper attention later ( maybeon some cold day in january perhaps when you need something to propel you out of a total state of boredom and what is better than talk that will get your adrenaline going?)
in other words, and way more succinctly, make it about you. then later, when you are pretty sure that you won’t explode, tell the insanity inducing offender, preferably with humor, that sometimes his/her talking makes you maniacally (sp?) and try getting a code word or a time out signal that you both–it does work two ways–can agree to use.
have a great day and since it isn’t that cold day in january–don’t overheat any more than necessary!
vote with your feet and depart for a short duration.