Betty, it sounds like you’re weighing two forms of security: financial security vs. the security of being with a person who will be there for and with you over the long-term. I think both types of security are important considerations for any long-term relationship!

But, how I calibrate the weight of those two will be different than how you do … and different than Anne’s weighing of the two … different than every other Wise Woman who ventures an opinion. To me, there are no ’shoulds’ in this equation. There’s just knowing yourself well enough to look into the future and being honest with yourself.

Will your resentment burn when your partner’s health problems inevitably increase with old age and he has few resources to deal with them? Or, is it more important to you that he will be a devoted caregiver when YOUR health problems inevitably increase? If you are bringing more financial security to the table in this relationship, what is he contributing more of? And is that quality/asset/characteristic something you value highly?

Bottom line, Betty, is there’s no right answer here (at least from this Wise Woman). Just some questions to ponder and validation that, if you’re honest with yourself, you will make the right decision … for you.

ah,bottom line betty, what a question.

i have read elaine’s comment a agree. having attained the category of “woman of a certain age” and still interested in having a significant other i say the following:

as long as the partner in question is contributing financially to your satisfaction (that’s #1) and partner is an energetic individual who would be unwilling to be a passive non contributing partner monetarily (that’s #2) partner would be completely capable of supporting themselves without you (that’s #3) then consider the following.

similar values–HUGE
obvious devotion–HUGE

if partner with greater earnings/earning potential is totally concerned then make a will with financial stipulations.

i have a friend that did and the partner with fewer assets was fine with that.

as long as said partner did not fit the category of “freeloader” “sponge” or shades of dorothy parker “lounge lizard” then i would keep the cuddling, the fun, the great discussions and make sure that each of them is protected whether by insurance, legal document etc.

try to imagine getting through 9/11 without someone there, ditto the elections, the problems at work, the countless social invitations and the days/nights when more than anything you just want someone there who loves, treasures, respects and understands!

undoubtedly you see where i am leaning (like pisa!)

Dear Betty:

My second husband and I met in mid-life. We talked at length about financial matters, and we did so on several occasions. We frankly discussed our assets, debts, and our financial goals for our marriage and retirement. One of us had considerable assets; the other limited assets. Neither of us brought significant debt into the marriage. If your prospective spouse has no retirement savings, it will impact your retirement plans, as will major health expenses.

Money has many different emotions attached to it, and it is a frequent cause of dissention in marriages. If either partner has problems with control, it is frequently manifested in how the person approaches money. You obviously have some doubts, since you are seeking the counsel of other wise women. It is important that you honor those doubts.

If you would bring significant assets into the marriage, I would encourage you to speak with an attorney. You may want to consider a pre-nuptial agreement.

My mid-lfe marriage has brought me immense happiness. I think the hours my husband and I spent talking about everything we could think of that would impact our marriage paid off. If you can put your financial concerns to rest, go for it!

There are no guarantees about any relationship. Trust your instincts. Some good advice has been shared.

Betty -
It’s clearly a good thing that you realize that your boyfriend’s current financial situation could cause issues down the road. Even in the best of relationships, money issues can create rifts. But given that you clearly care for this person, and he sounds like a good, decent man, it might behoove you to have a real heart to heart with him about his future, and possibly yours. Is there a way that he can put a plan in place to start paying down his debt? Is he eligible for long term care insurance, and does he have the means to pay for it? Is there a reason that he hasn’t saved for retirement – i.e., does he spend extravagantly or is he just not in a job that gives him the extra cash to save? Has he held steady work, or does he jump around from job to job? Maybe, as a single man, he just hasn’t had the discipline to focus on some of these issues before. If you can get into some direct discussions over sticky financial issues now, it may become clearer to you if you think your relationship together has staying power.

It’s hard to dismiss the power of love and companionship, so if you can put some plans and definition around some of your concerns, you both can march more steadfastly into the future together.

Good luck.