Verbal tussles between parent and teen are occurring more frequently at our dinner table. After last night’s back-and-forth, I issued an invitation that was either a stroke of brilliance or a bad decision that will live forever on the Internet: I suggested that my 16-year old daughter Caitlin share her concerns with the Wise Women community. So, here goes.
Hey Wise Women!
I’ve been keeping up with most of the posts on here, and I figured it was time with one from a kid’s (or young adult, as I like to be referred to!) perspective. Well, I’m sure all of you have heard enough horror stories to know that the teenage years are some of the toughest you face as a parent. From mood swings to driver’s licenses to discovering the opposite sex, teenagers are a whirlwind of emotions and sometimes temper tantrums (I know, you all thought we got out of that stage after the age of 5).
The problem is, we’re so close to obtaining the freedom to make our own choices that we fly off the handle when the Big Bad Parent comes and snatches that freedom away. The big topic in our household is parent etiquette for parties that I’ve been invited to. My parents insist on checking with the parents of the kid whose party I’m planning on attending. For example, when I was invited to an end-of-school party this week, my mom emailed the mother of my friend, asking if she would be present at the party. While this seems appropriate for someone who is wildly out of control, I feel that as a good student and a responsible kid who, by the way, has never gotten into trouble involving parties, I don’t need this loving if not misguided help.
Another factor that my parents refuse to consider is that I’m almost seventeen years old. I’ll be going to college in less than two years, where I’ll be making my own decisions. And I think, since I’ve always made the right decision before, that I can do this without the help of my parents.
Let me finish by saying that I know my parents do this out of concern for me, and that they love me very much. I just wish that they’d love the “send” button a little less, and trust their daughter a little more.
6-18-2009 09:12:21
Caitlin, you are a wise young woman. I am impressed with your clarity about this issue. I can speak as a mother of three grown children who are now 21, 27, and 29 years old. I confirmed where my children would be and who they would be with until they graduated from high school. That was my responsibility as a parent. It was not an indication that I didn’t trust my children; it was a recognition that things could happen that my children had no control over and I wanted to make sure that an adult would always be present. I gave each of my children fair warning before they started high school that it was my job to get them through high school alive. Those were my exact words. As my children grew into responsible young adults, I was still concerned for their safety. Along the way my children learned how to keep themselves safe, and they had a safety net when they needed it. I didn’t have any regrets when each of them graduated from high school and headed off to college, and that is the most that any parent can hope for.
6-18-2009 15:11:57
Caitlin, you are a very wise young woman! And it’s a tough issue you deal with. The age-old struggle of kids wanting to be set free and parents wanting to protect.
When I was in junior high school and even through high school and we would be at home football games on a Friday night, my Dad’s rule was that we always had to check in with him at the end of every quarter. Well, there were no mobile phones then so checking in meant walking from the “fun” end zone where all the kids sat, to the other end zone where my father traditionally stood. I guess by the time I was a senior, and had been away from home all junior year as an exchange student in Japan, it seemed a little silly to still be checking in every quarter! But it made my dad happy, I knew he was just looking out for me, and it had become kind of a tradition. I also always knew that if there had ever been an issue at a party or event, that my Dad was the one we could call. So I guess I thought indulging him on other things was a fair trade-off.
In the situation you describe, I can see why you wish your parents would trust you more. But I also see that perhaps your mom’s protecting the other parents (do they know a party’s happening?) or perhaps not trusting the person throwing the party, as opposed to not trusting you.
No easy answers here, but most importantly, you have a dialog with your parents — which is great.
6-18-2009 17:32:21
Your post was great and I do understand your feelings. BUT, we are parents and it is our God-given right to ask the questions and make those inquiries. It is not not always the kid, that parents don’t trust, its the other people. It is just a matter of wanting to make sure the situation is kosher and maybe put those parents on notice. I am personally happy to get or make those phonecalls.
PS — The parents of the kids who are wildly out of control are not making phonecalls.
6-18-2009 17:39:31
So-I think you wrote an extremely intelligent commentary full of insight and thought. You should note however that I agree with my wonderfull wife and your parents. Therefore, you should notice that as your freedoms expand and you blossom into wonderful young adults there will always be someone looking after you-even if you don’t know it. Even at my age there is a little voice asking myself is it right, would I like it, can I live with it, and what would my parents say or think……..
6-19-2009 12:42:07
Caitlin, you sound like a very mature young woman. I am the parent of three boys, and I do the same thing for them. It’s NOT because I don’t trust them. It’s because it’s important to verify with the other parent that your kid is coming over. It’s a respectful gesture to the person who owns the other house. If the parent doesn’t plan to be there, then checking with the other parent has served a dual role. But it is our moral and legal duty as parents to be responsible for our kids until they are legally responsible for themselves. I think our society offers young adults confusing signals…with different “legal” ages for marrying, voting and drinking. But in a couple years, all that confusion will resolve. Any “hovering” I do now for my kids who are under 18 I do out of love, and I love them enough to risk their displeasure, because my job right now is to be their parent, not their best friend.
By the way, I bet you’ll make a wonderful mom when the time is right.
6-22-2009 07:56:45
Caitlin, you have found your voice and express yourself very well.