As a mom, I’ve unleashed my first great “punishment” on one of my children – other than the run of the mill yelling that happens from time to time. I’ve been lucky, because so far, my children have made parenting rather easy. But as my two oldest enter their teen years, I can tell there will be many challenges ahead.
I can’t tell you how much I loathe the act of “IMing.” I feel like it is almost a drug, and as soon as my children enter the house, they are sitting mesmerized in front of the computer. I know my daughter’s biggest downfall right now is that she is too much of a social butterfly. I’m seeing that this is starting to interfere with her work at school – as some teachers have stated that she isn’t putting forth the effort that she is capable of – there is way too much talking going on in class. We also hit a new low this weekend when we noticed that she had posted a video of her 5 year old brother on her Facebook page.
As a result, her computer privileges (except for homework) have been taken away until Christmas. No Facebook, no IMing, no emailing. As a bonus punishment, I also threw in a two page paper assignment – she needs to report out on “The Pitfalls/Dangerous Side of Facebook.”
All along, I knew in my heart that my husband and I were too lenient in letting our children use the computer for socializing as much as they do. I figured though that as long as they were getting their work done, and done well, I could justify this practice continuing.
The first day my daughter could not use the computer, I can’t tell you how nice it was to walk in the door from work and not see her at her computer, with some friend’s face staring out into our family room. Instead, she was sitting on the couch studying for a test – something she continued throughout the evening. It made me realize, that this box that sits on her desk is like a party waiting to happen – it gives her the ability to invite any number of her friends into our family room at any time. She has control – she’s at the steering wheel. And because of this poison Apple, I believe that sometimes she rushes through her homework to get it done – and done as fast as possible.
I know now that I will need to set limits on her use of the computer, when she comes out of her moratorium. But I must say she has been a real trooper. She has not complained a bit (other than to say she can’t stand talking on the phone, and the phone has been ringing a bit more often). She has been spending more time reading – even playing Sudoko … and I can’t complain about that.
Has anyone else faced similar issues, and if so, how have you managed it?
12-22-2008 18:35:27
Last year I grew weary of hovering around and policing the computer. So I installed parental monitoring software (Cyberpatrol, but there are several out there). I rely on it to block out certain times of day when the kids can’t go online. There are other ways to restrict computer use, too, including blocking certain sites, allowing a set number of online hours per day/week, forbidding the use of certain words, etc.)
It took about a month for the kids to learn and accept the new limits. We’ve had few computer problems since. I heard one can place similar limits on cell phones (esp. around texting).
Good luck – to you and your teens!
12-22-2008 21:12:47
Having been through a similar situation with my son last spring, I think you’re doing the right thing. After several rounds of threatening to take my son’s privileges away (which of course did nothing), we implemented a “cold turkey” punishment that lasted most of the summer. Maybe it was a little harsh, but ultimately I think we broke my son’s “mental dependence” on the internet. And it was so nice to have him participate again in activities that had fallen off his radar. When we finally returned his privileges, we set strict time limits. I’d like to think we have things under control now — but I think I’ll be looking into the Cyberpatrol software that Elaine mentioned, just in case.
Good luck!
12-22-2008 22:48:12
Thanks for the info. Definitely need to check into Cyberpatrol. Have also heard about Spectrasoft (I think that’s right). I’m anxious to hear what my daughter has to say after being away from the computer for a few days. I wouldn’t be surprised if she agrees that she shouldn’t spend as much time IMing. Sue you’re absolutely right – the habit can really become total mental dependence.
12-23-2008 20:07:33
Good for you for standing your ground. We had even stricter standards for our kids, and it was before Facebook or MySpace. My oldest two learned about AIM when they got to college, and my youngest used it a limited amount when he was in high school. Our house rules: I needed to know when they got on the computer and what they were doing; I had full accessibility to the screen at all times because the computer was in our den. We had computer-free days when the computer was not turned on – time to find another way to entertain yourself. That may sound old-fashioned in 2008, but I would do it again because it worked for my family.
12-26-2008 09:56:49
My son is in his early twenties and living on his own now. But he’s always been a techie and we’ve struggled with this issue all through high school and college. I had to set limits when he started checking his phone at the dinner table, and in front of real-live company in the house. That worked, for a while, but he still conducts much of his life (work and social) online. I still tell him I find it worrisome that so many people (of all ages) are ignoring the simplest social graces — and the feelings of people sitting in front of us — for the sake of keeping in touch with online friends.
Most young people seem to operate this way, and I wish I had a solution. We live in an over-connected world and I’m not sure we can change it.
12-27-2008 17:24:20
Very thought provoking topic Anne! My boys aren’t yet into online socialising, but it’s great to hear what others are doing so I can try to be prepared. Orange, which is a mobile provider in the UK, has put together short film clips on the dangers of the internet that they’re making available to schools. A couple of the memorable topics are on Cyber Bullying and employers using Facebook to gain info on applicants. Orange info may not be available online, but there are other sites available with similar info. It really highlights the challenges that parents now have in educating our kids about online dangers.
12-28-2008 18:04:15
Anne-
Good for you. I, too, noticed my daughter’s grades dropping when IM came into the picture. Unfortunately she was at a part-time boarding school and I couldn’t do much about it at the time. Now she is in college and it still seems to affect her ability to get her work done. That, and Facebook. Lots of time posting pics. Also phone texting. That is another issue altogether! I keep talking to my daughter to help her self-observe and notice the outcomes of her choices. I think I am making some progress. So good for you for setting some limits. I’m sure someday she’ll thank you for it!
Blessings to you.