Dear Tooth Fairy,

You’re my last stop in my long quest for whiter teeth. While I can never have her looks or body, I’ve been aiming for Halle Berry’s smile (voted best smile by the members of the American Academy of Cosmetic Dentistry).

With this goal in mind, I excitedly read a favorable review of Sally Hansen Smile Brightening Lip Treatment on Chic Critique, a blog where normal women like myself offer opinions on beauty products. Sally Hansen’s idea is simplicity itself: a lip gloss that makes teeth look whiter instantly due to special color pigments that counteract the yellow of our teeth. No cumbersome process. No steep costs. No pain or mess. Simple, right?

I plunked down $6.99 at the local CVS for a tube of “Gleaming,” the shade that most resembled my beloved Revlon Super Lustrous Pink Afterglow Lipgloss. Eager to begin the smile transformation, I tore into the package in the CVS parking lot. I flipped down my visor mirror and made a few quick strokes (the gloss came out a bit lumpy on the wand, but this I attributed to the newness of the tube). I smiled widely and gazed at the mirror intently.

“Mirror, mirror on the wall. Who’s got the whitest smile of them all?” … Uh, not me.

I rubbed off the gloss with the back of my hand to try it again. But this time I studied my “before” image in the mirror so I could detect even a subtle change “after.” Nothing. I turned to my teen daughter in the front seat of the car (who was staring at me with curiosity and concern) and asked for her opinion on the before/after whiteness of my teeth. No difference. I drove home and checked my teeth in the various mirrors in my house (you know, colors can look differently depending on the light). Nada. No change.

So, despite the positive experience of the lovely ladies over at Chic Critique, I must report my disappointment and dissatisfaction with Sally Hansen Smile Brightening Lip Treatment. The special pigment did not provide even the slightest visible contrast to my somewhat yellow teeth and the gloss itself was nothing special.

Now, Tooth Fairy, you must be wondering why I’m sharing this tale of woe with you. Here’s my thought: Tonight I will gather all the tubes, strips and trays I’ve accumulated during my quest for whiter teeth and place the assortment under my pillow. Could you make a rare appearance at my house and whisk away all evidence of my teeth-whitening failures? I’d be much obliged. You don’t even have to leave any money (although, if you are so inclined, $113.59 would cover my total expenses to date).

With appreciation,

Elaine