Given Anne’s disappointment that my last post didn’t cover talking about sex with kids (despite its suggestive title), this time I’m tackling S-E-X head on. 

For some reason, talking about sex with my kids has never been too hard for me. Not to say I’ve done it perfectly. One time, Mike and I were out at a restaurant with one child and decided it was a good time for a more in-depth talk about sex. Well, what we said and what that child heard were quite different. The next thing I know, that child is running out of the restaurant crying, totally freaked out by the what s/he thought sex entailed. I remember sitting on the curb, comforting the child and assuring him/her that sex is really quite wonderful (at the right time).

But, really, I think I’m pretty good at having “the” talk with kids.  

So, good, in fact, that I’m proclaiming The 8/15 Rule. The rule encourages parents to launch Part I of “the” talk by the time the child is 8 and then, have Part II once the child turns 15.

The first go-around of “the” talk involves sharing some (if not all) of the mechanics of maturing bodies and reproduction. Very low-key and goes only as far as the child’s curiosity. I liked to have these conversations in the car, so my kids could stare out the window as we talked. A nice bonus was they ended up associating talking about sex with riding in the car and often elected to ask follow-up questions in subsequent car trips. Giving kids informative books (written at their level and with a bit of humor) is also helpful. I gave one child a book on puberty’s effects on the body and, years later, I occassionally will see the book by that child’s bedside; it continues to be a reference. 

During the intervening years between 8 – 15, I looked for natural opportunities to have mini-talks so that talking about sex became just one of the health-related topics discussed in our house … just like drinking, drugs, washing hands, not sharing water bottles, etc.  The advantage of having multiple conversations in the pre-teen years is that kids’ natural tendency is to be curious, not embarassed, which makes it SO much easier for parents. 

Part II of “the” talk is the harder discussion because it goes beyond mechanics and addresses the intangibles of sex: love, commitment, self-respect, peer pressure, date rape, gender differences around the meaning of sex. While you may have broached these topics before, they now have new meaning for teens given their maturing brain and peer environment. By the time our teens reach age 15, talk about sex (and for many, experimentation) is rampant in their circles. Yes, this is true even for “good” kids whom you think are ”too busy” playing sports, doing drama club, studying, babysitting or whatever.

Part II of “the” talk is the time to give your teens an appreciation of the many complicated layers of sex, voice your confidence in their decision-making skills, and communicate a willingness to listen as they navigate the sexual waters around them. The talk also benefits those teens who aren’t experimenting with sexual behaviors as it gives them a context for hearing/understanding all the sexual banter swirling around them.

So, there’s The 8/15 Rule, according to Elaine. I would LOVE to hear how others are handling this stage of parenting and any suggestions for modifications to “my” rule.