I grew up in a family where we didn’t talk about the taboo subjects of money, sex and politics. Even now, I can find myself reluctant to broach tough topics with friends and family, concerned that some issues may ‘invade’ someone else’s privacy or ‘make’ them uncomfortable. I’ve learned to push through my disinclination and have those conversations, but it’s still difficult.
Aging (and its kissing-cousin Death) definitely rank high on the list of forbidden topics. Thus, I was relieved to learn about the 40/70 Rule, a set of guidelines outlining how and when to talk to parents about their aging.
Put forth by a senior home care company, the 40/70 Rule suggests that, once we hit the age 40 or our parents turn 70, we need to start having discussions about the sensitive subjects around aging. Since I’m a bit of a rule-follower, having someone tell me “it’s time now” helps nudge me into taking action.
The web site says the toughest topics for boomers to address with their parents are needing to leave home (42%), losing driving privileges (30%), money/finances (11%) and health (11%). A lucky 5% say that none of these topics are difficult for them to discuss. The site also provides concrete ways for the two generations to talk about sensitive topics in an adult-to-adult manner (versus the paternalistic approach we can so easily slip into). There’s a section on “Conversation Starters” which offers ways to broach red-flag behaviors like unsafe driving, forgetfulness and medication mismanagement.
This week I’m visiting my mom, who’s in her late-60’s. Fortunately, she’s had no age-related crises requiring us to traverse this emotional minefield. But, as the 40/70 Rule points out, it is so much easier to have these discussions when there’s no crisis brewing.
I’ll let you know how “THE” Talk goes …
7-13-2008 14:52:35
Shoot. I thought this one was going to be on having the sex talk. I still have trouble with that one. I’ve tried it on on the older two…but still have two to experiment on. That aside, having this discussion with parents is tough but necessary. Because of my mom’s declining health, my father and I have had this discussion and have gotten their affairs into some kind of order. However, my Dad kind of makes this easy. He’ll call me up and tell me about a great poem that he loves that he wants to have read at his funeral. This has forced me to create a Dad funeral file – rather morbid I think, but at the same time makes me smile because of his whole approach. When he bought his cemetery plots up in Maine a few years back, we had to go into the cemetery one evening, where he proceeded to set up lawn chairs on his and mom’s “plots” and then we had cocktails!
7-15-2008 10:04:59
It’s definitely best to have ‘the talk’ when there is no crisis brewing. I think that, if possible, the (usually) daughter should lay some ground work and let her parents know she wants to make sure their wishes are carried out in the event there is a medical emergency or crisis. Parents may need some time to think over what they would like to happen, so she may need to schedule a second meeting.
I think it is best if the daughter can point out that she, and her husband, if applicable, have been discussing, for their own peace of mind, their medical and durable asset power of attorneys. This gives her a starting point for the conversation.
My parents are in their 80’s. With their consent, I contacted an eldercare attorney and accompanied my parents to the meeting wherein their wills were updated and powers of attorney were discussed. We had already had several talks, and they were finally ready to take this step.
Parents may be hesitant to share financial information. However, it can be handled tactfully. If you are clear that you want to make sure they are well taken care of, and that you would only step in to handle business affairs in an extreme situation, they may be willing to share.
Even though it is awkward, remind yourself that if you have to handle an emergency, and know nothing at all about your parents’ wishes and business affairs, you will be at a severe disadvantage.
Catherine
7-16-2008 09:00:33
A meeting with an eldercare attorney and cocktails at the future burial site – I can think of no better way to combine business and pleasure! Thanks for sharing those wonderful ideas. And it’s helpful to hear about older parents who are receptive to having “the” talk.