C’mon … admit it! You’ve Googled your old boyfriend. Maybe you Googled his name just once out of nostalgic curiosity. Or, maybe you Google periodically, keeping tabs on the twists and turns of his life from afar. If you’re really honest with yourself, you secretly wish to uncover evidence that his life is somehow lacking (the reason being, of course, is that he was foolish enough to let you go years ago).
This trip down “old-boyfriend” memory lane was prompted by the April 27, 2008 column Old Boyfriends Rule in The Washington Post. The author Jeanne Marie Laskas writes about her self-imposed decree that, when you get married, you shouldn’t talk to old boyfriends because it does “nothing, absolutely nothing, to strengthen your marriage. So, don’t go there.”
She goes on to describe the passionate roller coaster ride of a past relationship, and the emotional entanglement she felt for years afterward. When the old flame reached out to her a few times after she was married, she ignored his messages clinging tightly to her Old Boyfriend Rule. Then, one day Jeanne Marie realizes she’s ready to reconnect with this old boyfriend; she’s no longer hooked by the loaded memories.
So, she Googles her old love. And discovers he died of cancer in 2005, just a few months after his last attempt to reach her. Her column ends with painful regret over abiding by “that stupid rule.” My heart hurt as I read her obvious sorrow.
But, my head said, “That rule wasn’t so stupid.” I believe her inner wise self came up with the rule to protect her marriage from unhealthy or risky distractions. Part of her understood that she wasn’t ready for a truly platonic relationship with her ex. What makes this so sad is that, when she was ready, the opportunity was gone. Unfortunately, life is like that. We don’t get to pick the timing. But, a missed opportunity does not mean we were wrong in the first place.
Read her column. But then, don’t Google the old boyfriend. Think of those people whom you miss and have been too busy to connect with. Call them. It may be less titillating, but it will be much more satisfying.
Off to call my friend Gail …
5-27-2008 13:27:22
I, too, Googled an old boyfriend once and also found out that he’d died. Granted, I Googled him for a legitimate reason (a contact needed someone to do some freelance writing on a particular subject, and I knew he’d be perfect for it). Since then, however, I often Google my other old boyfriend — just to make sure he’s still alive.
7-12-2008 23:54:10
I waited years to do the googling thing, but when I did I found out that two old boyfriends had died. It was heart wrenching, but I guess it’s just a part of life (especially once you hit 40?) I sometimes wonder if it wouldn’t have been better if I never found out…
7-14-2008 08:06:17
Oh, Camille … that is heart wrenching. And I can certainly understand your questioning whether you’d be better off not knowing. I’ve had similar reactions when I’ve been sucker-punched by unexpected loss.
But, here’s what I’ve concluded: it’s these ‘life-is-short’ reminders which help me treasure (and make time for) the relationships I still have in life. It’s almost like the universe wants me to experience the pain of loss so I can use that sadness to get my priorities in order.
Just another perspective to offer …