“Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?”

“That depends a good deal on where you want to get to,” said the Cat.

“I don’t much care where …” said Alice.

“Then it doesn’t matter which way you go,” said the Cat.

- Lewis Caroll, Alice in Wonderland

The above passage takes on new meaning for those of us in the midst of a career/life transition (or on the brink of one). It captures the importance of deliberate planning so you can go in the “right” direction and, ultimately, arrive at your desired destination. However, one could also say the words validate (and maybe grant permission to) a bit of meandering in the journey of self-discovery toward still-unknown goals.

Lewis Carroll’s prose was cited in The 4-Hour Workweek, The New York Times Best Seller by entrepreneur Timothy Ferriss. It’s safe to assume that high-energy Ferris, a 3o-something who speaks six languages and runs a multinational firm from wireless locations worldwide, promotes the former, purposeful approach toward life. His 2009 book (an expanded and updated version of the 2007 release) includes a step-by-step plan that promises to help you “Escape 9-5, Live Anywhere and Join the New Rich.”

It would be easy to dismiss the book as a gimmicky informercial. A get-rich quick scheme that hustles you through the process of setting up the latest and greatest dot.com. That dangles the juicy possibility of a 4-hour workweek to the time-starved masses.

But, you know, the guy with frenetic energy makes some really good points!

There are true nuggets of wisdom sprinkled throughout his information-packed book and self-promoting blog. For example, The Not To Do List: 9 Habits to Stop Now is the 2.0 version of Steven Covey’s exhortation to focus on “First Things First.”

Ferriss’ ultimate goal – for both readers and himself – is to free up time and money to maximize the time spent on one’s passion. While I couldn’t see myself sitting down for a cup of coffee with the guy, I can’t argue with his aspirations.

Has anyone else read this book? What’s your take?

And, if you’re interested in reading it and comparing notes, send me a quick email at elaine@wisewomencoffeechat.com. Maybe we can set up an informal and virtual “study” group to talk through some of the ideas.

I have read a string of really good books over the past four months, all having that special beckoning quality that makes you look forward to finding the time to sit down and read.  There’s nothing better than that.  So I thought I’d share these recommendations, in case you’re looking for that next great book.

The Red Tent, by Anita Diamant.  This book has been out for years, but I just got around to reading it.  It’s a wonderful story about the Story of Dinah, daughter of Jacob and sister of Joseph.  The story is about the tribe of Jacob and the bonds of womenhood and the importance of the Red Tent – the womanly place where rites of passage are celebrated.

The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Society by Mary Ann Schaffer and Annie Barrows.  A wonderful book whose stories unfold through a series of letters written during WWII and the German occupation of Guernsey.

The Help by Kathryn Stockett.  A debut novel, the author weave a story set in Mississippi about the relationship between white women and the black women who take care of their home and raise their children.  This book is insightful and riveting.

The Shadow of the Wind by Carlos Ruiz Zafon.  Set in Barcelona, this story is about a young man on a quest to find other books by an author he has discovered – and finds all books have been destroyed.  While it seems like an unassuming and maybe even mundane plot line, the story is rich with wonderful writing, character development and true intrigue.

Today I opened the pages of  The Tender Bar by J.R. Moehringer, a memoir about a fatherless boy growing up in Manhasset, New York and the huge presence the patrons of a local bar have on his life.  I will write more about this one once I finish, but it’s the type of book you pick up and are pulled in to from the start.

Please share any good books you’ve read lately, or even some of your all time favorites!

Most families have certain traditions and values they believe in. As parents with noble intentions, we often try to instill these important values – family “jewels” if you will – in our children.

At some point, our children inevitably do or say something that runs counter to or challenges those family beliefs. For unsuspecting and well-intentioned parents, these confrontations over values can be like a proverbially kick to the family jewels. For example, I remember the first time a child of mine lied to me.  With my values of honesty and open communication, I was devastated and convinced that I had failed as a parent.

Such were the thoughts that swirled in my head as I read the dilemma of Slate columnist Emily Bazelon: her elementary-aged sons were rebelling against their family tradition of hosting a birthday party book swap.  Early in their children’s lives, Bazelon and her husband decided to take a stand against the excess of material possessions which is true for so many American kids. So, for birthday parties, guests were asked to bring a wrapped book instead of a gift for the birthday boy; at the end of the party, each person left with a new book (plus a party favor).

Curious how my children (now teens) would react to the idea of party devoid of presents, I read Bazelon’s piece to Caitlin and Jackson. “That’s ridiculous,” Jackson sputtered, alternating between anger and sympathy over the lack of birthday presents. “It seems like the parents are trying too hard to make the point,” said a slightly chagrined Caitlin.

Bazelon received lots of feedback on Slate.com about her family tradition (much of it could have been written by my kids). A few offered alternatives on how to pass along the anti-consumption message to children.

As for me, I think the book swap party was a terrific idea whose time had passed. I salute the Bazelon parents in their efforts to teach their kids values and hope they come up with other nifty ideas that are a better fit for the kids’ stage in life.

I’d love to beg, borrow or steal others’ ideas about passing along values to our children. (And that last verb is NOT a family value in our house – really!)

Thoughts?

True confession: I could not bear to watch or read any of the media coverage of last week’s healthcare summit. The pre-meeting posturing and pandering left me anxious and a tad nauseous. I was worried that the actual event would hurl me into a black abyss of disillusionment (or cause me to hurl, one or the other). Perhaps I’m wearing both my political stripes AND my naivete on my sleeves when I say – If reasonable and even-tempered Obama can’t get the players to work together, who can?!?!?!

Fortunately, a recent article from The Washington Post pierced my despair, like the comforting whiff of freshly brewed coffee. Dan Zak’s Coffee Party Activists Say Their Civic Brew’s A Tastier Choice than Tea Party’s showcases the new Coffee Party movement. The mission of The Coffee Party USA is to:

The Coffee Party Movement gives voice to Americans who want to see cooperation in government. We recognize that the federal government is not the enemy of the people, but the expression of our collective will, and that we must participate in the democratic process in order to address the challenges that we face as Americans. As voters and grassroots volunteers, we will support leaders who work toward positive solutions, and hold accountable those who obstruct them.

Now, THIS is a political sentiment I can embrace (and hang on to tightly – for dear life). It’s a welcome alternative for a Wise Woman who enjoys chatting over coffee and is suspicious of anyone swinging around tea bags in protest.

The fledgling movement is gaining traction through virtual discussions and live meetings in various communities. It’s all a bit confusing and messy, yet invigorating. I’m not sure how much I want to jump into the fray (or even can in my Facebook-less life). But even the notion that this movement exists is enough to wake me out of my cynical slumber. Similarly-minded people are standing up to demand that public officials work toward solutions, not throw up politically-motivated roadblocks. How great is that?

Pour yourself a cup of coffee, and let’s talk about it.

Most of us are involved in our community in some way – whether it is a charitable organization, our local schools, or our church.  In addition to the time we commit, sometimes it would be nice to have a few extra dollars to get a new project off the ground or supplement current programs which are underfunded.

Over the next five months, Pepsi-Cola Company is giving away over 20 million dollars in grants ranging from $5,000 to $250,0000, as part of the Pepsi Refresh project.   Each month consumers can apply for a grant, and consumers vote on those projects which are deemed most worthy.   While it is a huge experiment in social marketing, what do we have to lose?  It might just be worth a shot – it’s rare to know that a sum of money that size is sitting there waiting to be awarded.  Check out the site by clicking on the Pepsi Refresh Project above, and then start collaborating in your community about how you just might put some of these funds to use.  It’s worth a try.

In honor of the U.S. men’s hockey team – past and present – let me share with you this adorable video of Josh Sacco, a 4-year old viral sensation who nails the pregame speech that Coach Herb Brooks delivered to the 1980 “Miracle on Ice” Olympic hockey team.

The kid is fearless. The speech is inspirational. It’s the perfect thing to watch before clicking on Olympic coverage this weekend and watching the U.S. win another medal in hockey. Or, watch it the next time you need to get pumped up (like before that job interview).

“This is YOUR time. Now, go out there and kick it!”

P.S. Curious what Josh is like when he’s not motivating millions? Check out his appearance on the Ellen DeGeneres Show.

I was recently forwarded a landmark study conducted at UCLA about the magic of friendships among women and the amazing ability these friendships have on our ability to deal with stress.  While most studies on stress have focused on males, a handful of scientists through observation decided that women’s relationship with stress and how to deal with it is far different from that of the typical male – which led them into an in-depth study focused on women.  This study purports that women respond to stress with brain chemicals that propel us to make and/or maintain relationships with other women.  It’s a study that turns decades of stress related research upside down.

“Until this study was published, scientists generally believed that when people experience stress, they trigger a hormonal cascade that revs the body to either stand and fight or flee as fast as possible,” explains Laura Cousino Klein, Ph.D., now an Assistant Professor of Bio-behavioral Health at Penn State University and one of the study’s authors.  In women, the hormone oxytocin is released as part of the normal reaction to stress, which buffers the “fight or flight” response and instead encourages women to seek out other women or exert a greater focus on their children.  When these actions are undertaken, more oxytocin is released, which counters stress and produces a calming effect.

Interestingly enough, this same calming response does not occur in men.  As Dr. Klein says “testosterone, which men produce in high levels when they’re under stress, seems to reduce the effects of oxytocin.  Estrogen seems to enhance it.”  The discovery that women respond differently to stress started by a simple observation:  a woman under stress tends to seek out others, go have a cup of coffee, and discuss the problem.  Men, on the other hand, tend to go off on their own, and hole up behind a closed door.

Study after study shows that social ties reduce our risk of disease by lowering blood pressure, heart disease and cholesterol.  ”There’s no doubt,” says Dr. Klein, “that friends are helping us live.”  A well known Nurse’s Health Study from Harvard Medical School found that the more friends a woman had, the less likely she was to develop physical impairments as they aged, and the more likely they were to be living a joyful life.  The results were so significant in fact that the researchers concluded that not having close friends was as detrimental to your health as smoking or carrying extra weight.

Our primary watch-out?  When our lives seem crazy, when we’re busy with life, work and tending to our families, it’s our friendships that get put on the back burner.  As one researcher states:  ”That’s really a mistake because women are such a source of strength to each other.  We nurture one another.  And we need to have unpressured space in which we can do the special kind of talk that women do when they’re with other women.  It’s a very healing experience.”

So if anything, be cognizant of the power of our dear friendships with other women, and continue to find the time and space to connect with those who are dear to you.  It’s a proven life saver!

When it comes to food storage, I’m a tosser. I’m vigilant about ferreting out food items that are past their prime, and I only save leftovers that are likely to be eaten. Thus, the space-hogging cups of blue jello that Caitlin made last week that remain untouched in our fridge – GONE in my clean sweep from last night!

I believe this is an inherited trait from my maternal side. As I think back to forays inside my mother’s fridge and my mother’s mother’s fridge, I recall easy navigation among the relatively few, but always good, foodstuffs.

In Peek Inside Elaine’s Fridge, a post from nearly two years ago (!), I chronicled the contents of my fridge and noted some differences between tossers and keepers (those folks who have overflowing refrigerators and throw out items only duress).

I was reminded of these musings when I recently read about a new gadget that could help with my vigilance: a digital day counter that attaches to food and monitors the number of days it resides in the recesses of your refrigerator or freezers.

My inner tosser is delighted!

At $4 a timer, I won’t go crazy, but I am ordering a few of these today. Other uses for the gadget? On plants (”Hmmm, when did I last water that  plant?”), furnace filters, bottles of wine, Toby’s heart worm pill, just to name a few.

The icing on the cake (still fresh, of course)? The DaysAgo counter was “born” when two Wise Women had a Eureka moment. The new moms were taking a break from their brainstorming session about business ventures to feed their babies and couldn’t remember which of the many jars of opened baby foods were still OK to use. Talk about necessity being the mother of invention (and good timing!)

Don’t you just love new gadgets? It reminds me of the excitement generated when there’s a cool, new app for a phone or handheld device. Of course, I don’t know how to use most apps, so I’ll just be enthused about the brilliantly simple DaysAgo counter.

What gadgets do other Wise Women use?

It’s the forties curse.  I remember when I had just turned 40, a slightly older friend told me that I would not pass through this decade without the probable loss of a parent.  An eerie predicition, and I am sad to say, my wonderful mother passed away unexpectedly on January 28th.  While her health and ability to enjoy the simple pleasures in life were on the decline, her voice was still strong and cheerful on the other end of the phone line.  How awful to lose someone so dear, and to suppress the pain, I find myself rationalizing her passing:

• She lived a full 75 years – touching and shaping many lives, full of smiles and wonderful experiences
• Despite declining health, she had no pain and was quickly taken away from us in a peaceful passing; we were truly lucky to not witness suffering or the loss of independence that a nursing home would have subjected her to down the road
• I feel grateful that she celebrated momentous milestones in her life – the marriage to a wonderful, “always fun around the corner” type husband, the birth of two daughters and six grandchildren, and the celebration of 50 years of marriage.

While she will be sorely missed, I am so grateful she lived a long, meaningful and giving life. Her posititive and loving imprint is on all of us that she knew.  In reflection, as a mother, it makes you think about what it is that your children will remember about you – what are the most meaningful imprints you can impart?

I find the imprints of the fabric my mother wove for me are comprised of many of the small things in life – whether it is the late night snacks of anchovies on butter and saltine crackers (yes, weird I know), her bravery to take teenage girls abroad on extended travel (I would never have the guts to do so), her ability to make everything so nice with her special little touches (even down to the way she folded the bath towels), making me steak and egg breakfasts on the days of my swim meets, the monthly package of newspaper clippings from our hometown paper that she sent my sister and I to keep us informed of local news and happenings after we left home, her meticulous way of writing thank you notes, mentioning every gift, how much she liked it, and how she was using it.

These memories are just the tip of the iceberg of the many small things that you can almost take for granted when they are happening, but upon reflection you realize that it’s the small things that make the big lasting imprint and tell the greatest story of love and caring.

Here’s to Nancy Garfield Rice – one truly fantastic lady.

A dear friend who has two sons adopted from Korea forwarded a video starring ten moms (including herself) who have adopted children.  The lead-in line to the video is – “When a child is adopted, a mother is born.”

It’s very heartwarming and I thought it was worth sharing, especially with so many children around the world in need of a family.

For the short clip on you tube, click here.

To see the full five minute video, click here.

If adoption is something that you have been considering, I think this just may inspire you to take the next step.